Rants of a madman

Why Do I Call Myself A Juggalo
Cuz We Be Bangin The Wicked Shit
And Swimming Off In The Blood Of Mosh Pits
We Misfits And Misunderstood
We Got Chapters Of Family Off In Each In Every Hood

Im A Juggalo
And You Can Eat A Dick If Your Not
And If Your Still Long Enough You Get Eyeballs Popped
Im Even Worse Now Since The First Curse
Ill Cut Words Into My Leg Until It Hurts
(Oww)

Why Do I Call Myself A Juggalo
Bitch Cuz We Keep That Scub Live
And Fuck That Rich Shit
And Steal That New Whip
And Platinum Chain
And Give It All To A Juggalo Whos Never Had A Thang

Imma Juggalo In The Worst Way
Since The First Grade Ima Plot My Revnege On The World
Hey
I Cant Help If Im Into Werid Shit
Lookin In The Mirror With My Eyes Closed Eatin Lipstick

Why Do I Call Mysefl A Juggalo Sucka
We Dont Give A Mutha Fuck What You Got (Mutha Fucka)
We Dont Brown Nose Or Hound Dog No Weak Hoes
We Stand At The Bus Stop In Yesterdays Clothes

Im A Chainsaw Smoker With A Thirst For Blood
Since Were On The Sub-Deck Can You Get Me Some
When I Was 19 I Tryed To Cut Off My Tounge
And Mail It Ot The Devil So He'd Know My Voice When I Come

Why Do I Call Myself A Juggalo You Hater
We Dont Flip Sides All For A Bitch Like Darth Hater
Keep It (East Side)
Live For The Moment And Die Later
And (Stay High)
Till They Unplug The Respirator

Ima Be An J-U-Doulble G -A -L-O
(We Got A Raw Deal)
But Imma Be A J-U-Double G A Lo
(Im Killin Every Body)

It Dont Matter If Your Painted Or Not
Head It Alot We Got A Spot Here Keepin Hot
We On Some Moms And Pops
And Give Neck Chops
And Leaving A Puddle Of Blood Right Where Your Head Drops
You Can Call The Cops
But They Aint Comin Around Here
Its The Juggalos Runnin This Bitch
So Stand Clear

Why Do I Call My Self A Juggalo Punk
Cuz We Roll Thru The Hood With Politicans In The Trunk
Chickens In The Front Seat Straight To The Balls
We Aint Suckas We Dont Do Shoppin Sprees At The Malls For Affection
Barly Got Money For Petrol
Bitch You Musta Forgot You Fuckin With A Juggalo

Youll Never Know Till The Lights Go
It Might Go South
And You Might Get The Barrel In Your Mouth

You Lame Hoes Know
When The Chain Smoker And The Phatso Come Togetther
Lungs Colapse From Second Hand Smoke


Ima Be An J-U-Doulble G -A -L-O
(We Got A Raw Deal)
But Imma Be A J-U-Double G A Lo
(For Killin Every Body)

I Call Myslef A Jugglao Cuz My Face Painted
Yall Go Ahead And Kill The Scene
We'll Come Back And Recreate It
Half A Million Mutha Fuckas Lookin Jus Like Us
With Contacts And Band Paint
All Ready To Bust

This Aint No Civil War
(We Aint Civilized No More)
We Cut Throats Like Fuck It
And Smiling At You In Court Bitch
Independent We Gunna Stand On Our Own
And Prove To The Whole World
Why We Heir To The Throne

I Keep A Low Profile
But Low Profile
Teeth Like Crocadile
I Bite That Ass Like A Crocadile
Fuck It All Round Underground
While The Rest Bow Down To (?)
Had To Make A Count Down
Most Fly Around The Sound That I Make
Those Too Late
Would Rather Die Then Hear It All Change Sounds Show
But Everywhere That I Go
Every Where That I Go
I Let Em Know That Im Mutha Fuckin Juggalo

Ima Be An J-U-Doulble G -A -L-O
(We Got A Raw Deal)
But Imma Be A J-U-Double G A Lo
(For Killin Every Body)

Hallowicked was awesome.
Got painted up and traveled the streets as the little kids were out getting free candy!
Managed to scare a couple of kids, not on purpose tho, but it was still funny to see thier reactions when i walked up and they seen me. Classic!!

Seen a few othe rjuggalos and juggalettes walking around, kicked it with them for most of thenight. Always fuin hanging with family! Juggalette Trish was the SHIT!!! She was always clowning on somehting and just dancing around in the night with no music. People seen her doing that and started giving her wierd faces so I joiend in with her, and when they gave us both wierd look, I told them to stop or i'd eat thier souls fore i am the boogyman! Got some good laughs. When trick or treat time wa sup and all the kids were back home, it was just me and trish left out. We walked around, partying, having fun and just letting loose!! She got home about 1:30, i was home shortly after by maybe 2:30 or 3. All in all, a fun night, filled with dancing, no music family and oh yeah the funnest person i have met so far.. TRISH!!

That's all for now.. until next time.. HOLD YA AXE HIGH AND BUMP THAT WIKKID SHIT!!!

In the past 2 months, i still haven't gotten another job. I broke my ribs. I went to a concert and broke my ribs again. I got into a fight with my girl, on sunday because she ditched me on sweetest day which pissed me the fuck off not to mention it hurt like hell. Told her she can just go the fuck away, i wasn't dealing with it. Got my shit off her yesterday, tyhen satand talked to her for 3 hours, hopeing to work things out because i do love her more then i want to admit. She wanted to stay friends, she insits on the fact that she cares, but i can tell she doesnt care at all. But she begged me to stay in her life, as her friend, and i refuse to do it. But as i sat and talked to her, i came to the realization, that she really doesn't give a fuck about me, yet she constantly said she did. If she did, then she wouldn't of ditched me on sweetest day, she would of at least gave me a phone call. After the talk, I gave her the finger and told her to fuck the fuck off. She looked all sad and shit, kinda depressed about it, so i opened the door again and told her the most meanest, hurtful thing i could think of at the time which was

"youre nothing more then some slut that tried to use me for my money but i fooled you, i didnt have money and i used you for the sex. which was the worst sex i ever had!"

I felt horrible after saying that because none of it was true.. eitherway I felt terrible and I wanted to call her and apologize all night, but I knew what I had done and I knew I couldn't ever call her again. I know that i just got her out of my life, but i am regretting it with every passing moment. I care alot about her, and even if we are just friends she will still being my life. But do I really want that kind of person in my life? More importantly, do I really want to put myself through the pain and torment that I will endure each time i see her if i keep her in my life. These are the questions plagueing my mind and it sucks because i dont have the answers.

Somebody getting shot
Ima pop someone
Ima drop someone
Ima blast!
(if you breathin my fuckin air)
Somebody getting shot!
(if you just standin there)
Somebody getting shot!


Yeah, thats how im feeling, seriously concidering going back to NC and living like a King again. See, when I was in NC, i was makin mad money. I gave it up to come back to Ohio. In NC i wasn't struggling with nothin! I always had at least 4 stacks in my grip at any given time. 4 stacks is $4,000. Best thing is, i wasn't workin a 9-5 to get it either. Dirty Money! My money is dirty like some hooker ass! filthy infected 50s never rejected. Pay me bitch. a little more then whats mine! Bullet holes and blood stains in the bills that fine! Im involved in some heavy shit. weigh in deep. i shot that bitch up tryin to follow me in they jeep. see these pot holes all over on my road to riches. out here swerevin in my black truck avoidin the ditches. Everything I ever owned, anything i ever had, theres 5 grand in my hand wrapped up in a rubber band. came from doin bad thangs dirt all on this money. held up in a liquor store. got to take it from these dummies. it aint funny motherfuckers how i make my way. strapped with a A K, i spray and go get paid. This aint no 9 to 5 time card. This the only way I get rich! DIRTY MONEY! This black truck! DIRTY! This new chain! DIRTY! All the shit I own, Dirty money pay for everything!!

but yeah, fuck this struggling for money, trying to hold a job and take care of my family with little to no money. I got in contact with a couple of my old familia down south and we talked about shit, came to an agreement. If and when I go back down there, im pretty much set. Was told my shit was still where i left it, couple people truied takin it, but my familia had my back even though i wasn't there and kept it safe for me. So yeah, when i go back down there, i got a few stacks i can sit on until i get my shit going again. From what I was told, not alot has changed, theres been a crack down by law enforcement, but thats nothing major, half them cops are crooked as fuck anyway so yeah, slip them a couple stacks and they become your best friend. Longs you know what you doin, the game is your best motherfuckin friend! You the player, but motherfucka, im the mothafuckin GAME! In this life, you either beat the game, or the game beat you and motherfuckers, aint nobody gonna beat me.

Almost a month ago, my sister died. She was murdere dby her boyfriend, yet there is no "ties" to him to it, so the police declared it a suicide. I have always been a incredibly strong individual. i never really turned to anyone for anyhting, i was always the one there for everyone else.

Lastnight, i got home from the gathering of the juggalos 2007. Well, the entire time i was there at the gathering, I didn't eat anything and only drank faygo. Well, it kinda struck me on the way home that i felt like complete shit. i was dehydrated and had no food in me. So i wa sin a grouchy mood and just tried sleeping. But i kept being woken up and it just made me even more grouchy. My girlfriend (well ex now) handed me a cheeseburger and told me i needed to eat. I did the most stupidest shit ever and went all stubborn on her. Told her that Ididn't need anything from her and if I needed something that bad then i would go and get it myself. I didn't want a hand out from her. I basically insulted her without meaning to. Lastnight, she broke up with me because of it. Saying that i insulted her by refusing her food. Its ok for me to take care of her, but its not ok for her to take care of me and she won't put up with it. I was devastated. I care alot about her, I would do anyhting for her. But i will survive. This morning, I woke up, got my shower and went to work, just to find that i was fired on friday and was not given any kind of warning or explaination as to why. So I went to the office and tried talkin to Wes, just to find that he is out of state for a bit. Tried talkin to someone else who would know whats going on, but she was no where to be found. Great right, not to mention I still haven't eaten anything, going on day 6 now. I been coughing blood for 3 days, throwing up the past 5 days and if i tried to eat it would come right back out.
So fuck it all.


So here i sit with a hole in my head.
I tried replacing information but I wound up dead
nothing but static remains
on my hands are my brains
leaking all over the floor.

Its coming... it's coming... It's coming....


GOTJ 07 is only 4 days away. Got my pendant/necklace and wristband this morning. Wednesday at some point we are on our way up to Il. I'm excited, after the shit that just happened, yeah this is going to be the best 5 days of my fucking life!!! Just think, 5 days of good music, family and no reason to be paranoid about stuff.

I got stuck holding everyone together, I just want to scream out but can't. I have to be strong for the sake of the family.. and i can't do it. What am I supposed to do?

Today is normally a bad day. Its been 13 years on this day and it still kills me inside. There is still confusion, anger and pain in my heart from 13 years ago. I went to talk to my dad today. Sat at his headstone for most of the day. I talked about everything thats been going on the past year. I told him about my plans... and how they never seem to happen or go wrong when they do happen. Of course I didn't get a response. I never expected to really. I thought about digging down to his casket then prying it open and laying with his bones.. but i didn't have a shovel and when I asked the caretaker for one, he kicked me out of the graveyard and threatened to call the cops. I thought about going home and getting a shovel then going back.. but it might look weird walking througha graveyard holding a shovel.

So yeah, I have 4 days to piss everyone who is close to me, off so bad that they sever all contact and wish me to die. Then I can spend the res tof my life in this world the same way I came in, completely alone.

yeah in roughly 11 days i'll be anothe ryear older.. yay me. More bills to pay and more work to do.

Theres soemthing wrong with me.
I been having nightmares like crazy.
Everything that happens in the nightmare
has been happening to me.
Such as, I would dream of falling off a mountain cliff and getting all scratched up then wake up with scratches all ove rmy body.
I dreamt that i ran into a wall and smashed my skull
i woke up with a gash in my forehead (that needed 15 stiches) and blood all over the bed. So I set up a video camera to see if i was sleep walking. I watched the video the next morning and seen the tape. I didn't sleep walk, all I did was toss and turn. But when I woke up, I had blood literally pouring from my knee.

Oh well.. shit happens.

sick of people, they all piss me off. so happy, so joyful, so annoying. trust is something i no longer have. fuck trusting people, fuck it all. ill kill them all and let the almighty sort them out. thats how i been feeling for awhile now. kill them, kill their families, kill their friends then turn and kill myself. sounds like a great plan. but im such a reject, that i could neveer perform hara kiri properly, so it would fail and then just be yet another failure under my belt.

heres to me: the biggest failure alive! can't even perform hara kiri without failing.

So life goes on, day after day. Another failed relationship and i have to smile to the idiots i see otherwise I'll lose myself in the rage i feel and then the cage will be around me, the straps will be on my wrists and feet and i'll be electrocuted for manslaughter and premeditated manslaughter and all these other charges.

yeah, like i said another failed relationship. To bad so sad, keep smiling I'm still living, my health is here for the most part and i'm happy. Time to go to work for 12 hours, I hope i get hit by a semi or at least one of those 50 ton rolls of steel falls on my head.

Aight, i won't deny it, I have a myspace. I post once or twice a month, or when the mood strikes me. Made mostly for goofing off and checking out up and coming underground music. But from time to time I get a random message from some kid that just makes me laugh so hard my eyes begin to tear up and my sides begin to hurt. Here is the latest one. I await on his reply ^_^ hope you get a great laugh from this, I know i am

TIP: Start from the bottom and read up

NOTE: All this started because i went onto one of my groups and left a message that said something along the lines of "You fucking hate juggalos, but why? You don't know us, you just know what the media portrays of us. if you knew us personally, you wouldn't be saying you're going to kill all of us and kill our parents. So you fucking hate juggalos, well I fucking despise close minded idiots such as yourself. So now i will wait for your bitchdified comments such as -im cool with juggalos- or something along those lines."

---------------------------------------------------

(my last message back to him--awaiting his reply)

*sarcasm* Oh em ef gee, you hurt my internet feelings so bad. Those words you typed are so harsh and demeaning. What am I to do? Oh Ifeel so terrible because i am a juggalo. Oh me oh my what shall I ever do? *end saracasm*

If i felt so bad about being a juggalo, why would i still run with the hatchet? Why would i still claim the family? Why would i sport the hatchet proudly? The answer is simple, can you guess it? Its because i don't feel bad about being a Juggalo, i love being a Juggalo. perhaps in your world Juggalos hate juggalos, but in the real world, the juggalos who hate other juggalos are called Juffalo juggahoes. You don't even know what a Juggalo is, yet you try to make it look like you do. Sorry effindi, you have not the slightest clue. The only people who hate juggalos are simple and closed minded individuals such as yourself.

Curb stop my bitch ass, I don't even know what that means. Did you mean Curb Stomp? Maybe you ment hit me with a car?

*sarcasm* Oh yeah, saying these little pathetic typed out threats really has a TON of weight to it. You got me so afraid to go outside now!! Oh god, you're going to curb stop me. Oh fuck!! Help, please someone, anyone, this guy is going to curb stop me!!*end sarcasm*

Yet you called me the pitiful one.. thats a great one there felix! Yup, I'm the pitiful one yet you're the one making threats over the internet. I'm the lowest form of life, yet you're better because you are making internet threats? Wait, let me catch my breath, you're making me laugh to much to type. Let me help you with your internet threat. Come to Warren ohio, then you can curb stop be all day long if you desire. Not a big secret where I'm at since it says right on my profile where I live.

I think I will draw a hot bath and lay down in it, but not face first and i don't slit my wrists I have no reason to. it looks as if you're all out of "internet ammo" ince you been saying the same thing over and over "Blah blah blah you're a juggalo go kill yourself". maybe it make syou feel important, maybe you feel more special each time you type that. Perhaps you are trying to make up for something else. Maybe your mommy and daddy beat you when you were younger. Perhaps you get bullied in school. When you go home after school, does your daddy smack you and say "Get me a beer you fucking retard" I bet he does.

Just so you know and realise this, everytime you send an internet threat to someone, you are portraying yourself as the said retard. You shouldn't sdo retarded things like that. It just makes people laugh at you. And don't worry, I'll be sure to post this as a bulletin so everyone can see how truely simple minded you are.

And as I said before, you try to make fun of me, but it only makes me laugh. I say the truth and you get all pissed. Get an IQ higher then 10 maybe you will realise how childish, slow and pretty much retarded you're being.

Ok, now you can message me back with the same shit you been saying all along "Blah blah blah go kill yourself juggalo piece of shit blah blah blah" I await my next laugh from you.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Treat
Date: May 13, 2007 12:14 PM


wow...youre pitiful...you open the message with the insult of me making a typo...wow...you really hurt my feelings...you have made several typographical errors but i have not said anything about them because i am above that...apparently you are not...you small minded piece of shit...and i was not trying to make you feel bad...you already feel bad because everyone hates you...that is what several juggalos have told me...they said that juggalos are hated by everybody so they started their own clique...you are a juggalo...you are the lowest form of human life possible...if i ever saw you on the streets i would curb stop your bitch ass...i know that saying this over the internet really has to weight to it but i thought you might like to know...so here is some advice for you...draw a hot bath...get a razor blade...slit your wrist and lay face down in the tub...you will be doing the entire world a favor....you know what this act is called? social cleansing.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I like eating oatmeal
Date: May 13, 2007 11:31 AM


its spelled C-o-n-t-r-a-d-i-c-t not cantradict. Go back to the 3rd grade and learn to spell before trying to say something else. Once again, you still do not understand. You don't even know what that word means. if you did, then you wouldn't of tried to look cool by using it. Look it up, then try again. Yes, i replied to it because it was just to funny. So making fun of you makes me a poor excuse for a person. So be it. Yes it really hurt my internet feelings that you tried so hard to make me feel bad, yet failed so easily. Ahh how i love morons like you. Its people like you that gives me thedaily laugh that everyone needs to survive.

I know you don't get that, so let me break it down; I just made fun of you. You tried making fun of me, but it only makes me laugh. try again when you reach an IQ over 10 ;)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Treat
Date: May 4, 2007 7:09 PM


you seem to cantradict yourself in everything you say. do not reply to this message it is not worth my time. if you do then it will show how much of a poor excuse of a person you are. but i know you will reply anyways.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I like eating oatmeal
Date: May 4, 2007 4:50 PM


perhaps your brain didn't comprehend the fact that you are typing online, where it is useless to say something then turn around and say "it was sarcasm" after being put in your place by someone you never met nor will ever meet irl. So perhaps your small brain can think that over, but don't think to hard cuz you might get a aneurysm and... better yet, do think about it. Hope you get that aneurysm. Never said it was threatening, just a suggestion. Never said it was cool, once again a meager suggestion. Seems like you took it to seriously. yet i was right for the most part, you messaged me with a bitchdified comment when you could of just ignored it. Nice one. Maybe you will get the award for dumbest kid ever. I'd vote for you :)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Treat
Date: May 3, 2007 12:37 PM


you are so hard...lol...in case your small brain did not catch that it was sarcasm...nothing in your ramblings could even be remotely considered a thought...it was not threatening or even cool...you should kill yourself now...

Oh em eff gee? I don't remembe rhow long its been since I been here or even bothered to update, but here we go, can you keep up? i'm not slowing down.


everything is fine and dandy like southern candy or whatever that saying is. Work is work, labor for 8 hours, go home, eat and sleep. Though this week, all I been doing is pushing buttons (Pretty much just a press operator [Oh god, I hope I speleld that right, wouldn't want them mean internet spelling police all over my IP because of it.])
I talked to the boss, well my boss, about possible over-time. I could use the extra money. been talking to my old lady bout buying a house, funk this renting BS, besides its sorta small, 2 bedroom. Plus her b-day is coming up, and instead of giving her something gay, I want be able to give her a house. What woman wouldn't want a house for her birthday? Hmm, might have to settle for a new G5, those things are.. well not my style but she been yapping her gums about them, how they are sooooooo cool, still, not my style. Give me a nice v8 305 small block chevy and i'm a happy man. Fuck this computer controlled shit.

My buddy at work carl said tyo me this morning, "A man should be able to do three things, Build a house, work on a car and pleas ehis woman. If he can do those three things, then he is a man. fuck everything else." And if i have to get a CPU controlled car, then instead of doing two of those things, i'll be down to 1. Which isn't cool at all. I admit, i never built a house, nor never tried, unless tree houses held together with plastic bags and duct tape count? So I have no idea how to build a house. But damn give me a tool box, and i can fix your car in no time. (as long as its not cpu controlled) plus i would liek tothink I please the old lady, but i doubt i do.. lol

All in all, things are alright. My family in ohio misses me, which include my brother, mother, grandma and cousins, but I hardly miss them. As mean as it sounds. Oh well, not my problem.

Welp, its payday and i got dinner plans with the old lady, so i'm out. Adios.

Regards,
Me

I forgot all about livejournal.. my fault.. not really. It's your fault.. not mine. I take no blame for this. So I guess i'll fill in whoever decides to read this...

First off, the big move down to southern regions.
Well my move to NC was a success, its freaking awsome nice down here! I have to admit though, I lived with my brother for about a week while my apartment paperwork went through and all that happy shit. Still waiting on the damn cable company to hook me up... might have to settle for gay dial-up or semi-gay DSL. I got this job where my brothe rworks now.. Moen. Pay is grand, $12 starting, work my way up and get a raise every 3 months or something, i dunno the exact details.. but yeah its great. I am currently working on getting my dream car finally, 1971 Plymouth barracuda with the Hemi and of course I want the fins on the sides. It might be a drop top as well, if not then that works just as grand.

About the soon to be Mrs.
Me and gem are doing great, we fight, little things, but nothing major. After each one, it usually ends up with one of us laughing about it then we just sit and cuddle while watching some retard show on TV. We're thinking of having a baby, but thats still in the planning phase. Never realised how much thought goes into it... now I do. Look at me, all grown up with responsibilites. She is going to move in with me next month. This whole living in two houses thing sucks fat ones. I never acually knew what true love was until I met her... but now I know. She works 6 hours/4days a week at some nursing home, careing for elderly people.

Aside from that, I guess everyhting is peachy keen, shit is starting to fall into place and for once in my life, I feel secure with it. Normally i would second guess shit and then try to figure out how and why it might fall apart, but i haven't done that and i don't think I will. welll im out of here, I'm giving Gem a foot rub and back massage. She been telling me her back hurts from lifting those old people, so i'm gonna give her a nice massage and hope everyhting is alright. Im off. Night.

"No mercy for the weak, no pity for the dying, no tears shed for the slain. Only the strong survive."

Well I been working two jobs for a bit now.. making money to get my own place. I got one down in North Carolina. Sanford, N.C. close to where my brother lives. The day I went down there, just to visit my brother, i met this woman who is to be my new neighbor. I stayed there for a week visiting. After the first day though, I kinda just hung out with the woman. Come to find out we have tons in common and she makes me feel incredible!! Of course, i couldn't do anything with her. I *could* have, but I wasn't going to. i had a girlfriend, but things didn't work out and we agreed that we are better friends then anything else.. I guess that's a way to put it? It was mutual. She found someone to make her incredibly happy and well i guess i did to. So it works out and we are both happy and we are still friends. I don't know how it happened though, I never planned for it.. it just seemed to be there I guess. Can you really stop fate though? Anyway, i don't know how to make a cut, so her picture is posted below. her name is Gem, shes 21 and will be my new neighbor down in sanford N.C. But we are going to be more then friends come next week when i move down there.



That's Gem. Damn she makes me happy.

I can't say I understand
I wont say I know what your going through
I refuse to apologize for someone else's mistakes
This shoulder which I offered was soaked with your tears.
These hands which held you close are now coated in red.
Your body is motionless
Your soul is gone.
No more sweet words
No more laughter
no more crying.
This shoulder which I offered is still soaked...
But not of your tears.
This shoulder is now soaked with your blood
From me holding you close as you slowly died
My last words to you were in anger...
I can not apologize now.
This shoulder is now soaked
With the tears I shed for you
As I drag the blade across my throat
Hoping to join you soon.
You say you couldn't handle it
But how am I to handle this?
I understood what you wanted.
I wanted the same.
Now we are two lost souls, drifting to the higher plane.
The distance between us is only inches, yet we are miles apart.
You died at 2am and I was dead at dawn.

By now your behind the gates smiling.
I am still drifting.
My soul is stuck in ether.
It is my punishment.
So here I stay, between heaven and hell
Waiting for my judgment.
I begged you for forgiveness.
But you never responded.
I couldn't bear to be without you...
Life as I knew it was over.
I took the knife which you used
Pushing it deeper and deeper
Blood pouring like water
Slicing the flesh
Until it dangled free
The bone got in the way
The decapitation was failed.
My punishment for failing
Instead of being there with you in heaven
I am stuck in purgatory.

We were so close...
Now we are miles apart.
The distance is terrible
Every moment my heart breaks
My soul trembles without you near
If I scream my loudest
I wonder if you can hear?
We were to be together forever.
Best friends to the end.
But now we are so distant
Will this dream never end?

I see a light as I walk to it
A voice booms out
Is it my creator sentencing me?
As I get closer
The voice grows louder
Can it be that I will finally be with you again?
The voice grows deep as my soul begins to shake.
The words echoing through me
"You will never be near her again!"
As the voice stops, the light disappears
I open my eyes just to find that I am back here.
No...
No...
Whispering quietly as the grim reality sets in
I awoke as a human, stuck on this earth again.
Frantic and stricken with rage
Grabbing knives and blades
Stabbing and cutting away the flesh.
"Please make it stop! I want to be with her again!"
Pleading with the higher powers
Begging them to set me free

Years have past
Still I live
Each day passes
Distance grows farther between us.
I say a prayer in your memory everyday
Do my thoughts even reach you all that way?
Can you still hear my soft voice as I cry at night?
Can you see the tears falling each of my eyes
Blurring my sight.
So many nights have come and gone
I seemed to of lost track of time.

I see it is 2007 now and still I survived.
I made a promise that we would be together forever.
You die, I die, we rejoice in heaven!
Best friends forever, that was the promise given!
I apologize for making such a promise.
I failed at it, I failed many times at dieing.
Please do not hate me since I can not make it there.
Heaven has rejected me.
Fact of the matter is I am dead
I died that night.
I'm not allowed in heaven
Judged as un-worthy of such a place.
But I have been sentenced
To the depths
To the blaze
To an eternity in hell!

R.I.P. Melissa
Nobody will ever replace you! Nobody can even come close to it!

So, Im Nothing.
You Took Something From Me, Now You've Dissapeared.
You're Right Where I Want You.
You Said You Wanted It, Alright.
No! Its Not Alright
No...
Now I'm Something, And Your Head Is In My Closet.
Dead Forever, They'll Never Search It...
Out Of Sight No! Its Not Alright
No...
I'm Cold, So Cold, Ohh, Ohh
If i Find It
NO! NO WAY!

HOORAY! After almost a week (if not longer) of freezing winds, and tons of snow, I SEE GRASS!!!! So that means only one thing, TIME TO DITCVH THESE BLASTED PANTS AND LONG SLEEVED SHIRTS!! Bring out the shorts and t-shirts and enjoy the warm(er) weather without having to wear two or three shirts and four or more pairs of pants, plus 2 coats, 1 hat and 2 hoods. GAH! I HATE THE WINTER!!!

I got a day off fro mWest, im over tired and under-fed. So I sit on my ass and write in here, chat on yahoo with peoples. Wonder why I decided to work so damn much!! I work to much.. I get paid no where near enough.. and I still didn't get all my bills caught up. I'm such a loser!! I should just rob a swiss bank account and hope my money problems will be over. But are the problems really made from the lack of funds or are they a more deeper psychologicl issue in which i contort into the form of money probles so that I don't have to acually know the real problems? Does the sky look blue to you, does the grass really seem greener on the other side? Are you imagining a life of pure exctacy by time you are 30?

The sky looks grey to me anymore. The grass looks to be shades of grey, the light shinging from behind the clouds is a dark grey, almost black. My world has lost all color and everything seems bleek now. Being a quote un-quote "real-man" is rather stressful. I'd much rather be the old me and just do whatever I had to do to survive and still have time to play my video games. Video games seem to un-stress me and keep me unwound. Same as the Lotus flower brings "floaty" people, with outrageous ideals and ideas, down to earth, Video games bring me from being Overly-stressed to a calm serene person.

perhaps by time i'm 30 ill be sitting a fat stack of cash, with a matress filled with cash and a pure gold bathtub filled to the brim and over with cash. I'll pull a Tony Montana and become the king-pin of the cocain world. Then i'll die in a flurry of bullets!

I said i wasn't going to post anymore but once more my ind is swarming with thoughts and I have no way to rid myself of these, except here in LJ... so yes.. time to flush the mind of all unweantd information.

Ok, so for awghile now i been working a job on midnights, $18/hr.. not bad, easy work, toss boxes, load boxes, wash rinse repeat. Well after i had a couple checks I decided to start opening my past due bills and well my first 3 pay checks (equallying over 6 grand) are all gone. And I still have 4 more bills to go through. So knowing i was still in deep crap, I became over stressed and had a few panic attacks. Nothing major. Aside from not sleeping, I haven't eaten due to the stress levels and now i work another job, making $10/hr, plus bonus if I have a certain percentage of signing/payments at the end of the week, at this place by the mall called West Employment. Due largely to the fact that my sister filled an application out for me (Without my knowledge) and turned it in (which pissed me off to no end..) To my surprise i got a call from them, saying they wanted an interview, no biggie though at the time i had no idea what was going on. After the interview the guy (Andrew) gave me a typing/accuracy test to see how fast/accurately i could type. To my surprise I got a pretty decent score.. 117 wpm with only a max of 6 errors. Of course, I asked him who turned an application for me and all that.. he said Suesan did, and i got pissed, but then he said "Well if you want the job, it's yours. It pays $10 an hour starting, after so long you get promoted accordingly with the number of blah blah blah" i quit listening after he said 10 an hour. So now, I work a 8 hour midnight job, soon as i leave there, I go straight to west to work a meager 7 hours and then come home and take a quick 2/3 hour nap before doing it all over again. I been doing this for a couple weeks and so far its working out pretty well. To sumit up, I work form 11pm-to-7am, then from 9am-to-4pm and then sleep from 5pm to 8pm, drink coffee, shower, shave and do the process over again. I love caffine and stackers!!!

On the sid note--the panic attacks have stopped. Which im glad because having at least 3 attacks a day really wasn't very fun. I can sleep for 5 hours without waking up now. I still have money problems, which suck because im racking in over 3 grand a week now. I'm hoping once allthe bills are caught up and everything paid off in full the stress and money troubles will go away then i can acually get back to normal. Well as normal as one can get.

On the second side dish---since working two jobs lately, i have lost 30 lbs.. largely due to the fact that i don't eat (not by my choice) and due to the fact that I take 3 Stackers every night and another 2 stackers during my work hours at West (weight loss supplement.. or supposedly.. more of an energy booster) just so i don't pass out and have my face ripped off by the press at Dietrich and so I don't pass out and smash the keyboard with my big head. OH! great news, I fgot me an mp3 player, damn these things are godly! let me tell you.. I used to love my cd-player.. now i can't imagine going anywhere with it.. this mp3 player is millions better then the cd player could ever be.. and it doesn't eat batteries like fat people eat cake!

Well thats about it.. i'm pretty much done catching you all up... whoever cares to read it.. signing off until next time.. or unless something serious happens such as i fall and my head rolls away... whatever comes first..

Have a good one.